Finally Free – Part 6 (3 words – 2/11/16)

I closed my eyes tight and thought of nothing except the air coming into and going out of my lungs. This disassociation I had taught myself had helped me survive for those long, tortuous weeks. I knew it would help me get through these interviews. I continued to breathe slowly and deeply until my heart was calm and my muscles relaxed.

“Ms. Bayard? Are you okay?”

I felt the nurse’s cold hand gently grasp my wrist and I found myself smiling. A gentle touch was certainly an unexpected surprise. Slowly opening my eyes, my smile widened at the concern look on her face. “Yes, I am. Thank you. I just needed to take a breath.”

I looked over at the police officers, smiling slightly, I reassured them, “I will do my best to answer any questions you have today. I just can’t promise that I’ll be able to tell you much.”

“Thank you. We will try to start slowly. I’m afraid that our questions will, most likely, take several days. We will do our best to make this a comfortable discussion.”

“I understand.” I looked down and adjusted the thin hospital blanket to make sure I was covered. More to increase my sense of security than out of any thought of modesty.

“Thank you. These first few questions are about him. We need any information you can provide that would help us find him.” The lead policeman accepted a chair pushed through the doorway and seated himself an unimposing distance from my bed.

My eyes met his with a strength I hadn’t felt in years. “I can tell you whatever you want to know. I knew exactly who he is. I was married to him for 5 years.”

 

to be continued…

 

 Write incorporating 3 words – these, cover, make

http://threewordsaday.wordpress.com/


Cross posted on my author’s site – And Then What Happened?

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Finally Free – Part 2 (3 words – 2/7/16)

A few familiar faces were in the crowd, but I couldn’t find the one I had prayed for, the one that filled my dreams.

I slowly let the voices around me seep into my consciousness. At first all I could distinguish was the urgency with which they spoke. I only cared that I was free, yet they had an endless amount of questions about the weeks I was missing.

“How were you taken?”

“What were you fed?”

“Were you beaten?”

“What did he tell you?”

“Did you think you could survive?”

The combination of the pain in my lungs, the cacophony of voices, and the crowd of people pressing in on me were simply too much. I felt a sharp pain in my chest and fell to the ground as the blackness swept over me.

continued…

 

(Write incorporating 3 words – expanded, move, new)

http://threewordsaday.wordpress.com/

Cross posted on my author’s site – And Then What Happened?

 

 

Is this thing on?

I need to come back after a lengthy hiatus. I need to quiet the demons who interrupt my attempt at rational thought; to shoo away the dust that seems to cloud my view of sanity.

Things will be different this time. I have a different focus. Perhaps a more scattered view, but my soul craves the outlet, the virtual companionship.

I have missed you, WordPress family. I promise not to be gone so long again.

Peaceful

 

The wind blew with a surprising gentleness, the sides of the tent barely moving despite the lack of protection from the elements. Slowly stretching he rolled over and brushed the hair from her cheek. She inhaled deeply, snuggling deeper in her sleeping bag. Rising silently he exited the tent. Not stepping far from her, he stood looking out across the vastness before him. In the peaceful stillness of dawn the sun had not yet appeared above the mountain’s summit leaving the valley below covered in shadow. Closing his eyes and inhaling deeply he acknowledged that he had never before felt this type of serenity. Stuffing his hands deeply in his pockets, he listened to the sounds of morning surrounding him. He slowly opened his eyes as the sun began to peak above the ridge and watched the light slowly creep across the boulders and crevasses. The touch of a hand at the small of his back caused his heart to race and a smile spread across his face.

And so I trusted…

Years lost
to broken promises.
Rare trust
in anyone’s words, deeds.
And then
we met and the walls fell.
Threw myself
into you, the abyss.
Warnings
from you, but I trusted.
Believed
in you, your brokenness.
My heart
cracked open. I waited.
“Not now,”
you said. “I cherish you,”
you said.
I chose to wait and trust.
Your deeds
never changed. Your heart did.
Promised
honesty. Always there
for me
when I needed my friend.
Waited
for you still hearing you
say, “Not
now.”  And so I trusted.
Never
wavering in my faith
in you.
Then I peaked and learned what
lies you
had told me. Betraying
my trust.
Truth would have been easy
to hear.
Yet, while claiming honest
words, you
lied. Completely. My trust
shattered
once again. A month gone
and still
it hurts. I would have been
happy
for you if you had shown
respect
to me and to my heart
that I
had opened fully to you.

Bittersweet

I’ve long feared you
Your acid tongue
Your horrid actions

You shaped me into
A fearful woman
Cringing from my past

Never feeling whole
Never feeling protected
Never feeling loved

As I grew, I rebelled
My tongue grew acidic
Yet my heart was raw

Somehow knowing
I was strong
Despite your words

Somehow believing
I was lovable
Despite your actions

I long ago vowed
To overcome
And I did

Yet over time, I faltered
Feeling unworthy
Hearing the hatred

Decades of ups and downs
And I finally understood
Yours was self-hate

I was an easy target
Exhibiting your traits
Both good and bad

Increasingly you tried
To beat me down
Words cutting to my core

Actions showing indifference
Knowing that even kindness
Would soon turn to anger

When I finally understood
I was at my weakest
But I spoke my truth

You attacked again
I ignored – my only
Remaining defense

Silence as I admitted
The battles I’d faced
Within myself

Standing strong, yet
Knowing something
Big was coming

Centered, praying
Feeling stronger
The blade struck

Numbness
Unable
To feel

Not knowing how
To react
I prayed

“Be strong.” “Do right.”
Support I’d
Never felt before.

It had always been there
But I’d been to afraid
To accept any help

Then a flippant comment
“You’ll finally be free.”
My heart burst open.

What a concept
Free to be me.
Free to be open.

What a horrid price to pay.
I watch your body fail.
My heart cries.

I pray for peace
I pray for comfort
I pray for freedom

Both of us
Will soon be free
Of this mess

We both built it
We both destroyed
Any hope of peace

I have always loved you
No matter what was said
I only wanted love back

Feeling empty yet
Confident that I have
Broken the cycle

Failing for years
I finally feel strong
Doing the right thing

I won’t miss the anger
I won’t miss the abuse
But I will forever miss you

Hoping

A year ago a fragile heart was busted open.
Shattered.

Words that seemed real were only lies.
Exaggerations.

Protective walls, then all that remained was rubble.
Dust.

A tarnished angel appeared bringing blessings.
Dreams.

Without intent a new world opened.
Blossomed.

Immeasurable changes caused by openness and honesty.
Necessity.

A beautiful new perspective with a lighter step and smiles.
Happiness.

Loneliness creeps in, pushed back by the accomplishments.
Success.

The journey always more beautiful with the promise of tomorrow.
Hoping.

Happy Anniversary to me!

One year ago I began this blog.

It’s been a crazy year – completely unexpected happenings all year long. Some amazing, some growth opportunities. This has become one of the greatest adventures of my life and has provided me with an opportunity to look back and see where I’ve been.

Thank you all for reading – once or many times! Every click I receive makes my heart smile.

And it all began here – Why the Forgetful Genius?

 

 

 

Smileless eyes

From time to time she sees her –
The young woman she used to be.
The one pushed down far inside
Hidden from those who might see.
So few look closely now to learn
Those things hidden from sight.
The sparkle in her eyes had been
obvious and so incredibly bright.
Her smile rarely reaches them now
After disappointments year after year
Blatent lies, and empty words,
Promises she can no longer hear.
She held out hope for so very long
Wanting, needing to believe the words
Finally the bleakness drained her
And her focus became only a blur.
All of her hopes and dreams were
Shattered after promises fell flat
She kept moving forward and prayed
But all of the words were only that.
Maybe a miracle would happen
And promises would be real
Deep in her heart the lies piled
But eventually she began to heal.
She took the steps she needed
To strive for the life she planned
Stronger she grew day after day
Yet always over her shoulder she scanned.
She dreaded the tough decisions knowing
Forever different her life would be
The pain and let downs had for so long
Been a horrid sense of security.
When she knew she had to step up
She feared always she’d fail
Never taking a risk was easy
Only she suffered self-betrayal.
These days the smile at times
Reaches her eyes, often along with tears.
She’d been so accustomed to sadness
The beauty of life ignites her fears.
One day, she believes, she will
grow from all of the buried pain.
For now, she does her best to smile
in her eyes despite life’s strain.

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Whoever comes along deserves your best

You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best you have to give.  – Eleanor Roosevelt

 

Several years ago while I was having issues in my marriage and contemplating my next steps, I began doing some research about relationships. Soliciting details from friends and friends of friends regarding what happens behind closed doors. I was planning on compiling all of the information, along with my own relationship theories, in a book. Unfortunately, my research partner was involved in a near fatal motorcycle accident and I lost momentum.

Looking back now and understanding how some of those relationships are no longer or have changed, I’ve learned an incredible amount about partnerships, but still have no idea how to manage them. What makes them work? What makes them fail? I have some ideas about ensuring that you and your partner grow together and communicate. Besides that, even some of the seemingly best relationships don’t last.

I’ve watched marriages and relationships fail. Often. I’ve seen relationships where they have an open relationship, but maybe both partners don’t realize it. Infidelity runs rampant and abuse (in all forms) is far more common than anyone realizes. We always need to bear in mind that we never know what goes on behind closed doors. Any stories we hear are strictly one-sided – no matter how impartial the storyteller seems. To complicate it more, each of us comes with different perspectives due to different life experiences and our resulting personal bias and we’ll interpret things our own way as we listen – as an outsider or as part of the partnership.

I do believe in the power of positive thinking and working hard to reach goals. However, no matter how much effort we put into another person, we have no control over them. Nor should we. This is where the accepting of situations comes in. We can give something our all and still fail. We need to find compromises and keep communication flowing so that these failures aren’t hits taken from the side with no way to protect ourselves. Communication helps cushion the blow. At least it should.

When relationships fail – for whatever reason – it takes both people to keep it civil. Lies, misleading comments and hurtful comments get no one anywhere. The key is to continue to treat the other person respectfully. WAY harder to do than to say. When my marriage failed, I was the one to walk away. I tried to be respectful to him, but I failed because of my anger and my hurt. I took full responsibility for my decision to end the marriage, but held onto the disappointment and frustration of broken dreams. I’m sure most divorced people can relate to that. It’s now been a year and I’m still frustrated after a year of setbacks and high hurdles. But, all in all, I’ve kept saying to myself, “Things WILL get better,” and they have on some fronts. I’m incredibly fortunate.

I’m disappointed in myself with how I handled my recent breakup with a guy I knew just months. In no way did I approach the breakup rationally. Everything was perfect one day, then a week later, he was done. Blindsided, I was. It took me a while to accept and I went through all of the steps of healing – Shock, Pleading (I don’t think I did this), Anger, Sadness, Acceptance. Oh… forgiveness – I’m still working on that one. I know I overreacted to him. But, apparently, there were issues that I had no idea existed and, as a result, his heart was open to meet someone else.

One common theme in many breakups I’ve witnessed is the lack of communication – one of the people in the relationship is unaware that problems exist while the other is making plans to exit. It’s all perspective – what we are looking for within our situation and either we focus on the positive or focus on the negative. I, for one, tend to look for the best within people and will remain fiercely loyal. But once trust is gone, it’s gone. Lack of trust and dependability are dealbreakers for me. I’m a good communicator, but I do hold back with anything that displeases me because I don’t want to hurt the other person or criticize and push my views on anyone. I fear rejection, as most people do, so I edit communications. Grand epiphany there. Don’t most of us do the same in our relationships? We don’t want to hurt anyone with our opinions or way of doing things, so we compromise by letting things go – which is a wonderful thing. But when we do that and allow frustration or disappointment build up within us, it become destructive.

Open communication – being able to talk without fear of anger, a reprimand, tears, disappointment, as well as giving your partner the respect he/she deserves to be who they are – these are the keys to a successful relationship. We should never control another person or expect him/her to change to meet our needs. We all are who we are. We can edit ourselves, adapt and learn different ways of doing things, but we also need the freedom to be who we are – with no fear.

As we go along our journeys in life, we’ll be faced with different interpersonal challenges. We have no way of knowing what they all are in advance. We just need to learn to roll with the punches and smile at the positives. Shoulders back. Chin up. Hands relaxed and at our sides – always ready for a hug. Eyes and ears open. Analyze all you want, but keep the communication flowing and give the person you are with your best effort. Don’t we all deserve that?