Transformations

A very dear friend of mine posted this on her Facebook wall and I have to give her credit for this gem. (Thank you Tracey!)

Transformation without work and pain, without suffering, without a sense of loss is just an illusion of true change.

As we grow older, we experience moments that change our perspective, make us look at things just a little differently – whether it’s reinforcing our current thoughts or providing a new viewpoint. This past nearly 16 months (since my ex-husband moved out) has been full of pain, transformation and lessons. Looking back, it’s really only a few months of my life, but it has certainly has seemed endless.

I was ready to end my marriage. I was ready to start a new life. I saw others who had easily slid into happy relationships. I saw that for myself. I saw peace. I envisioned happiness. And, I need to say – it’s been a shit storm. Financial issues, heartache, heartbreak, balancing my “issues” with being a parent (and not succeeding at either). Almost losing my house. Coming two weeks short of being unemployed. Car issues, appliance breakdowns. Dog running away continually (but he eventually comes home). Crazy parents. Illness. No insurance. One daughter almost losing her foot. Another daughter having brain surgery. Loneliness. Being lost and not knowing who I am. And more that will make my head explode if I have to think about it again.

Whew.

But I’ve made it through. And I am definitely transformed. I’m not the same person I was 16 months ago. I’m not necessarily hugely better, but I’m definitely more understanding. I’m stronger. I’m quieter and more reflective. I’m more of a skeptic, but in a good way. My heart was too open, too eager. I needed to reel myself in.

As I was going through all of my issues, I know I annoyed my friends. I had a falling out with one, but we’re rebuilding. I got so deep in my own muck, I couldn’t pull myself out. I was terribly overwhelmed. I still am. But, it’s getting better.

One of the last things I wanted to hear, but heard continuously, was that although my moments are/were painful, I’m clearing my life of what isn’t good for me and preparing myself for happiness that I’ve never known. I’m still waiting for the sky to part and angels to sing.

BUT…

I will admit that

  • with each of the 3 brief relationships I had this past year each one was closer to what I’m looking for.
  • when I fell apart huge changes occurred within me and I’m in better physical shape than I’ve been in in at least 7 years.
  • I know better now what I want in life, what isn’t acceptable and what I am capable of.
  • I do believe that I hit the deepest rock bottom I’ve ever hit, so the only way to go is up.
  • I feel different. I’ve rediscovered things that made me peaceful in the past. I wouldn’t have found them again if I hadn’t hurt.
  • I am setting goals again in order to have things to look forward to. I had forgotten how to set goals and make things happen.

I’m sure I could go on and on, but what I’m getting at here is that I’ve been sitting on that post from my friend for months. It hit me then and hits home even more now that my mind is clearer. Yes, great things can happen without any horrid lead up. BUT, in order for TRUE, LASTING changes to occur in your life, you have to let go, move on and work at change. Life wasn’t meant to be easy (and it would be boring if it was all sunny skies), but it definitely contains more happiness than we can even imagine. We need to hit bottom sometimes in order to re-evaluate what is important and make the necessary changes in order to reach our potential and live the life we have always dreamt of. Things DO get better even if you don’t realize it. Wait for the smoke to clear, then reflect and see where you’ve been. I guarantee that all of those terribly painful moments taught you something and changed you in some way. And that’s not a bad thing.

 

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Haunted

I’m haunted by thoughts of you
They appear at the oddest of times
A random word from a friend
A commercial on TV
While sitting at my desk at work.
I can’t seem to shake these memories
No matter what I try.
I know there is no hope for a future
together.
But thoughts continue to haunt me.
They appear out of the blue and send a chill
into my heart.
The bittersweet reflections of you in my life
are too much.
I wonder if I still have something to learn
From our moments together.
There must be a reason that you still enter my mind.
It’s not typical
or even okay.
So much time has passed
and there is still such a strong connection.
I pray that the lesson becomes clear
So I can end this chapter of my life.
I no longer want to be haunted
by your memory.

3 Words – 12/11 – The End

 

She’s seen the decline in affection during the past few weeks, but nothing prepared her for this.
Her eyes followed him as he picked up his bag and headed to the door.
Without even look back at her, he turned the doorknob, opened the door and walked out.
Not a glance, a word nor a touch marked the end.
Tears streamed down her face and she felt her breath catch in her throat as she slid down the wall that had been supporting her.

 

(Write incorporating 3 words – decline, eyes, follow)

http://threewordsaday.wordpress.com/

Distractions

The frantic pace of life was causing a strain on every cell in her body.

She found solace in sitting and just existing. No matter if she was able to step out of her head for a moment or an hour. The only motivation she had was the stolen moments of silence in her mind.

It had become more and more difficult and more difficult to quiet the noise in her head.

Then he had arrived. His energy would drown out the confusion and distract her from the endless internal dialogue. It was overwhelming. Intoxicating. Never before had she felt such a presence.

Too quickly he was gone.

She was again alone with her thoughts as she tried to find her peace while missing him.

 

3 Words – 11/15 – Depth

She tried to fit herself
into the clean mold
of who she used to be.
The challenges of life –
Had changed everything
– her entire being.
She was no longer a
2-dimensional
outline. No longer plain.
She had become complex.
A magnificent
person who displayed more
depth in her eyes than
many felt in their souls.

(Write incorporating 3 words – use, magnificent, outline)

http://threewordsaday.wordpress.com/

Shattered pieces and kaleidoscopes

A tattered piece of paper found
in a wallet years ago said –
I fear one more angry word or look will shatter my soul into a million pieces.

Memories of a life gone astray.

Everything I had was focused on a relationship that never became what I had dreamt of
And ultimately it ended.

I held my head high and kept moving forward
Walking gingerly through the gauntlet as the axes connected with my raw emotions.
Some of the blows I could deflect. Many only gave minor bruises.
A few I outmaneuvered.
I kept moving seeing a light at the end of the torment.

Without realizing, I reached a space with no more attacks.
Barely able to breathe, I lifted my face to feel the warmth of the sun
And took steps forward believing the gauntlet had ended.
I closed my eyes and trusted.

A few of the wounds on my soul began to heal.

Hearing a noise, I opened my eyes just as another axe struck.
The pain forced me to my knees, but I held my breath
And kept moving forward
Understanding that if I stopped moving I’d never move again.

Shattered and broken, I found myself in the clearing.
Not able to believe the blows had ended,
I looked over my soul and saw all of the fragments of me
No longer whole, but fractured, damaged, splintered.
Completely changed from what I had been.

As I continued to analyze the shreds that remained,
I saw the light glistening on the pieces of my soul
It was then that I realized — I had survived.
No longer the same, but something still complete.

I heard a comforting voice reminding me that
Shattered pieces make the most beautiful kaleidoscopes.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Submitted to YeahWrite.me’s Weekend Moonshine Grid on February 14, 2014

moonshine

Pushing Too Hard

I am good with pushing people to the point of breaking. Which is exactly what I did. Again. And I’m terribly sorry I did.

Funny thing – I wanted the truth and I got it. I pushed and prodded until I got a different answer. Answer number three for why things didn’t work out, but an answer I could work with. Something that would explain things to me. Something I could work on to improve myself. Make me better for a next time.

He tried to tame me. That would never have worked. I was as tame with him as I’ll ever be. I was as vulnerable with him as I’ll ever be. He was wonderful to me in so many ways.

And now it’s irreconcilably over. Completely obliterated by my own actions.

I fought for something I knew was wrong. But I wanted to feel good and I had that for a brief time.

I’ve pushed myself to breaking. Believing I could do it all. I can’t. I failed. From my failures I’ve learned so much. Learnings that I actually need to put into action to change finally.

Maybe this was my one great lesson to quit pushing. Maybe it was my final catharsis after being broken by my marriage and divorce. Maybe I needed to completely break apart so that I can finally rebuild – rebuild into who I have aspired to be.

Patching myself back together will certainly not be as easy as the breaking apart. It definitely can’t be more painful, so onward I trudge. Pushing only myself this time.

I came so incredibly close to having what I’ve dreamt of. Maybe with some more work on me, everything will fall into place.

I am…

I am…
Well aware of my faults

I am…
Well aware of my inconsistencies

I am…
Well aware that…
…I am complicated
…My life is complicated
…My family is complicated

I know that it will take someone who is…
…Understanding
…Patient
…Kind
To fit into my life

I have enough impatience for ten people
And enough of a heavy load
I don’t want anyone in my life
Who is…
…Judgemental
…Pushy
…Impatient

I know I need…
…To do some work on myself
…To do some cleaning up of my life

But when I’m done
I will be even more amazing
Than
I already am.

3 words – 10/10/13 – The words

Although it was obvious
the change was coming
I knew there was nothing
I could do
to avoid the pain

Afraid of hearing the words
or admitting the truth
I could already feel
my heart breaking

But when the words were conveyed
I felt nothing except numb

Then the tears began

(Write incorporating 3 words – obvious, afraid, breaking)

http://threewordsaday.wordpress.com/

Reflecting on another breakup

I had learned long ago not to count on things. Every time I planned or looked forward to something, I’d be disappointed. Okay. Not every time, but the vast majority.

I had stopped planning, stopped setting goals. Stopped being me.

I met someone earlier this year who taught me how to plan and set goals again. Opened up my world again.

The past few months have been filled with wonderful adventures and talks of the future.

Unfortunately, just as I had become accustomed to planning and looking forward to events, this man has exited my life.

Ironic how this reinforces my previous thought process — don’t look ahead because best made plans….so often go awry.

Yet, somehow I have peace.

I’m not sure how I’m finding this peace. It could be because I felt this coming. I just knew. Not be negative, but I something felt off.

I am thankful for the times I had and having my eyes opened again. And in my heart, I know it’s not me. It’s him.

In the midst of yet another breakup – I have been reminded of some amazing friends I have. And I’m more than thankful for them. I am blessed to know some truly incredible people.

I will do some meditation tonight, ask the angels for guidance and thank them for the people who want to stay in my life.