Finding peace

Before our marriage, he told me that he would not be able to father children. He knew how badly I wanted to be a mother and promised that he would climb mountains to make that happen. As the initial all-encompassing love I felt for him began to fade into the day-to-day reality, I worried that I had given up my dream for someone else’s goals.

Our whirlwind courtship had made everyone question us, but they trusted. They believed in our focus as we always achieved what we set out to do. The similarities between us reinforced our bond and washed away any concern.

We travelled. We entertained. We drove beautiful cars and lived a lavish lifestyle. Yet my heart always felt empty. Of course, he was enough. Of course, he worked hard, was faithful, present in body and spirit and reliable. But…

I wanted a child.

As we watched our friends add to their families, we added stamps to our passports. We filled every moment and barely had time to attend Christenings or birthday parties. I wanted for nothing. Yet, I wanted more.

I began to pull away from him emotionally. A void that all of the material objects and physical pleasures in the world could never fill had become my obsession. He was so busy doing his things that he never noticed the change which made the emptiness even larger. Being together became less frequent. His focus was the next great accomplishment; mine was finding fulfillment.

I told him I needed to venture out to recenter and he couldn’t be a part of that. I explained that I had lost myself in him and needed to find me again so that we could be a better us. I spun my plan in such a way that he knew his participation would interfere. I’ll never forget the sad smile on his face when he finally agreed that if it was my goal, my dream, he would not stand in my way.

I began the adventure living as he and I always had with the best of everything, but soon grew tired of being alone in luxury. No beach, historical site or exotic locale could fill that empty space in my soul. Yet, I continued to search. I dined with locals, made new, yet temporary, friends and experienced more in those months than I had during the last few years of my marriage.

The contact with him had been frequent at the beginning, but had tapered off to a short daily phone call. I shared all I could, knowing he couldn’t understand the change within me. He appreciated the pictures I sent and encouraged me to take all the time I needed. He assured me that he had everything under control and would be waiting when I came home.

When I finally felt a peaceful fullness within me, I made plans to return home.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

I wasn’t sure how I would begin the conversation, but it had to happen quickly. I knew I had been wrong, but couldn’t hide my internal glow. I had put aside my greatest dream for him and he hadn’t followed through on his promises to me. I had decided to follow my heart and was comfortable with my decisions.

When he didn’t pick me up at the airport, I was disappointed, but thankful for the additional time to sort through my thoughts. He knew I was coming home, yet didn’t answer my calls. He was probably locked away at his office, as had become his standard.

As I exited the cab, I smiled at the beautiful new car sitting in my driveway, then wondered if he’d let me keep it after I told him. We had enjoyed many amazing years and I was now on the verge of my greatest achievement. I knew that all would be okay. I flattened my clothing against my sides knowing that I couldn’t hide my growing belly and walked inside to change before he got home.

I smelled a soft floral scent coming from my bedroom and smiled. Flowers would be a beautiful welcome home.

I pushed open my bedroom door and there they were – arms and legs intertwined.

I closed the door quietly and smiled. Making my way down to the kitchen, I felt incredible peace. I was going to have someone else’s baby and he had no room to cast a single stone. The rightness eclipsed every mistake made along the way.

 

– – – – – – – – – – — – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Written in response to the Speakeasy #158

speakeasy

 

This week’s prompts:

“The rightness eclipsed every mistake made along the way.”

And the trailer from “Love in the time of Cholera.”

Advertisements

25 thoughts on “Finding peace

  1. Yes, the perfect ending. She didn’t have to explain her affair, since he had his own to explain. I hope the baby brings her the happiness she expects. I was drawn into this story from the beginning and loved where you took it. Well done!

  2. WOW. WHOA. What the . . . That was really, really good. That’s all I can say, really. I felt for this woman the whole time, guessing how it might end; hoping for a Disney-esque “happy ending.” It didn’t, but it did not matter – YAY for the heroine!

  3. I guess two wrongs DO make a right 🙂 I guess in their situation, this was the best case ending… I do agree that it would be easier to break the news since he found companionship elsewhere as well.

  4. This is fabulous! Love the way you tied everything together so nicely at the end – and I love that she finally put her dreams first. Great job with the prompts! 🙂

  5. I could so relate to her dream and longing and I know the temptations to have a baby fathered by someone else when the biological clock is ticking away-when the sadness,the emptiness,the frustration on seeing others add to their family brings,the jealousy the obsession…Hopefully,.she will be able to live with her “karma” without any regrets-wonder what she will tell the child?Also,I felt maybe the husband did love her in his own way and he “created” the bedroom scene deliberately -maybe he sensed that she was going to break away?He already knew when she was arriving home-so he need not have cozied up with his new gf 😉 I really liked this story of self -discovery,well done!

  6. first, I am infertility survivor, so I know that ache of wanting a child, the blindness to everything else if affords your life.
    and this story, was just poignant. Yes, that the word. Real and Honest and true. In fact once I had gotten to the place where she was coming home and had you not told me that she had met other lovers, I would have called fouled on this piece. It was essential that she find that rightness, even if the sex she found did not produce a pregnancy. (While I am glad it did).
    so it all tied up nicely…and perhaps…yes, perhaps, they have both found a way to be happy together and apart.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s