Rediscovering the girl inside of me

I was the girl who would yell at the television while cheering on my favorite football teams.

I was the girl who would break into song just because I felt like it.

I was the girl with huge dreams of travelling the world.

I was the girl who bought beautiful old glassware to plan for the holiday parties and get-togethers I’d host.

I was the girl who dreamt of a happy family with vacations where we’d bicycle through towns by a shoreline.

I was the girl who believed in hard work and dedication to making family a safe haven where love and calm acceptance were the norm.

Somehow, I let that girl fade away and I became a hardened, cynical woman who was so determined to keep the unpleasant aspects of me hidden that I’ve developed an anxiety disorder. I was so determined to have at least the image of having it all that I lost my vision, my dreams, myself. I believed that I needed to hold everything together; to maintain my grip on all that I touched so that things wouldn’t fall apart.

Everything fell apart anyway. I became someone I barely recognized. I was terribly unhappy and working incredibly hard to maintain a façade. A façade that I cling to in order to keep myself from drowning in my own sea of broken dreams. I had decided that if I can’t have what I want, that I’ll make the best of what I have as wave of disappointment after wave of disappointment crashed over my head.

I stopped setting goals because every goal I aimed for, I allowed to be missed for one reason or another. I can easily blame the people around me, but it was me. I let myself down because I compromised who I am. I wanted a family and a beautiful house, but at what cost?

When I suffered daily physical ailments and realized that I was behaving more like a wayward teen than a 40+ woman, I allowed myself to realize that the cost of my façade had become too high.

And I broke out of the cage I had put myself in to begin the journey to reclaim my voice.

Month after month, I took steps to find that girl I once was. The one with love in her heart, a song in her throat and happiness in her future.

I have missed her.

While I still struggle – often – I see her more and more often. She shows up in an expected smile finding humor when the kids are arguing. She glows when I look at a project I’ve completed. She jumps for joy when I accomplish something I didn’t think I could do. Her eyes sparkle when I dream. She is so proud when I set goals and achieve them. And she sings along with me in the car even when my voice is hoarse and offkey.

I dream of the day when she and I are again one, smiling and laughing together as we share the wisdom I’ve gained with the innocence she offers.




5 thoughts on “Rediscovering the girl inside of me

  1. Is it the Season, the Stars?Or is it just the luck of finding someone that feels the same, leaving us not feeling so alone? I thoroughly loved this for ALL the obvious reasons!!!!!!!!! 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s