Irreversable Regrets

In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and an unforgettable love.  – Diego Marchi

Such food for thought.

I struggled with writing this post versus keeping my thoughts to myself. After a really “interesting” weekend with so many eye opening epiphanies and happenings, I was encouraged by a friend to finish this post and send it out to the universe. Maybe I have a message for someone. This quote hit me hard. So… as tough as this one is for me, here goes.

In regard to Diego’s quote – I can name mine:
– A teen pregnancy (fits the first 2)
– A happy, nuclear home
– A wonderful man I met when we were far too young

I’m finding the most amazing quotes lately. Yes, as I know I’ve said before, I’m sure this is all part of the Master Plan for me out there in the universe. I am being faced with the truth about myself all too often lately. Yes, it’s good since I’m an avoider, but it’s becoming more and more difficult. I’m hoping I reach a plateau in all of this spiritual growth. I don’t want to stop learning, but this self-evaluation and understanding can be really overwhelming. In any event…

I’m shocked that I’m even bringing up the teen pregnancy in a public forum, but… well… it affected me and shaped me more than I can explain to anyone who hasn’t been there (and it fits into two of Diego’s categories – for me). Unfortunately, all too many people have gone through it – I’m not some random “gee, no one else has ever done this before” kind of girl. What is making me nuts with the media nowadays is the glorification of something that just isn’t pleasant. “Teen Mom” is a show that really deserves to be on TV? Does it help people or is it putting money in people’s pockets? I am NOT throwing stones, but I’m “old school” about this kind of stuff and maybe that’s part of my issue. In my mind, teen pregnancy may be something that happens but certainly isn’t celebrated. Before I go off on this tangent, I’ll stop. Accidents happen – that I know all too well.

I was young, heading to college and my boyfriend and I made a mistake. I’ve struggled for so long with being okay with this – well over two decades – and I need to finally find some peace. I can’t undo what was done. If my daughters are ever in the situation, I am not sure what I’d advise. But, I can say that I’d be there to support them regardless. I would never want my kids to have to make the decision I faced – I don’t think there is necessarily a winning answer here. And at that, I need to let it go.

Next — All I ever wanted when I was growing up was a Brady Bunch house (ironic since that was a blended family). I wanted parents who loved one another, vacations, happiness. I struggled in my marriage for a long time because it wasn’t fulfilling. But, I was committed to the idea of being married. I wanted my kids to have what I never did. After being slapped in the head by The Fates several times, I finally realized that my kids would be better off not having the example I was providing. I want them to always know that they are strong, they can strive to reach their dreams and they should not stay in an unfulfilling relationship – life is too short. Again, I pray that my kids choose their partners wisely and never have to face making a decision that will have a lifelong impact. But, for me, my unreachable dream is to have that happy, nuclear family with annual vacations and pleasant family dinners.

Probably not surprising, my unforgettable love is not my ex-husband and maybe that caused issues. I’m a dreamer, an idealist. My head is in the clouds creating stories and situations far more than I’ll ever admit – that doesn’t bode well in a relationship with someone who  is monochromatic. I had envisioned my life turning out so differently than it has, but in reality, marriage to my ex brought me to the place I am now. I’m in the town I always wanted to live in. I have amazing children. A creek in my backyard. Two wonderful dogs. A good job. I am where I am supposed to be.

But, in the whimsical dream world of a teen, meeting someone who is completely different from anyone else you’ve ever met leaves a lasting impression. Looking at it from a realist’s viewpoint, the relationship with the man I fell in love with would never have lasted. I would have been frustrated for many reasons. So, I have to be thankful that I had that amazing experience and keep the memories with me. It’s a beautiful story if I ever have the courage to tell it.

I am sure I could go more in depth with any of these topics, as could anyone else. I call the challenge to everyone to look within themselves and find their four –
– an unspeakable secret
– an irreversible regret
– an unreachable dream
– an unforgettable love

Looking back on life can be truly eye opening and freeing. We all need to do it from time to time.

 

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