Transformations

A very dear friend of mine posted this on her Facebook wall and I have to give her credit for this gem. (Thank you Tracey!)

Transformation without work and pain, without suffering, without a sense of loss is just an illusion of true change.

As we grow older, we experience moments that change our perspective, make us look at things just a little differently – whether it’s reinforcing our current thoughts or providing a new viewpoint. This past nearly 16 months (since my ex-husband moved out) has been full of pain, transformation and lessons. Looking back, it’s really only a few months of my life, but it has certainly has seemed endless.

I was ready to end my marriage. I was ready to start a new life. I saw others who had easily slid into happy relationships. I saw that for myself. I saw peace. I envisioned happiness. And, I need to say – it’s been a shit storm. Financial issues, heartache, heartbreak, balancing my “issues” with being a parent (and not succeeding at either). Almost losing my house. Coming two weeks short of being unemployed. Car issues, appliance breakdowns. Dog running away continually (but he eventually comes home). Crazy parents. Illness. No insurance. One daughter almost losing her foot. Another daughter having brain surgery. Loneliness. Being lost and not knowing who I am. And more that will make my head explode if I have to think about it again.

Whew.

But I’ve made it through. And I am definitely transformed. I’m not the same person I was 16 months ago. I’m not necessarily hugely better, but I’m definitely more understanding. I’m stronger. I’m quieter and more reflective. I’m more of a skeptic, but in a good way. My heart was too open, too eager. I needed to reel myself in.

As I was going through all of my issues, I know I annoyed my friends. I had a falling out with one, but we’re rebuilding. I got so deep in my own muck, I couldn’t pull myself out. I was terribly overwhelmed. I still am. But, it’s getting better.

One of the last things I wanted to hear, but heard continuously, was that although my moments are/were painful, I’m clearing my life of what isn’t good for me and preparing myself for happiness that I’ve never known. I’m still waiting for the sky to part and angels to sing.

BUT…

I will admit that

  • with each of the 3 brief relationships I had this past year each one was closer to what I’m looking for.
  • when I fell apart huge changes occurred within me and I’m in better physical shape than I’ve been in in at least 7 years.
  • I know better now what I want in life, what isn’t acceptable and what I am capable of.
  • I do believe that I hit the deepest rock bottom I’ve ever hit, so the only way to go is up.
  • I feel different. I’ve rediscovered things that made me peaceful in the past. I wouldn’t have found them again if I hadn’t hurt.
  • I am setting goals again in order to have things to look forward to. I had forgotten how to set goals and make things happen.

I’m sure I could go on and on, but what I’m getting at here is that I’ve been sitting on that post from my friend for months. It hit me then and hits home even more now that my mind is clearer. Yes, great things can happen without any horrid lead up. BUT, in order for TRUE, LASTING changes to occur in your life, you have to let go, move on and work at change. Life wasn’t meant to be easy (and it would be boring if it was all sunny skies), but it definitely contains more happiness than we can even imagine. We need to hit bottom sometimes in order to re-evaluate what is important and make the necessary changes in order to reach our potential and live the life we have always dreamt of. Things DO get better even if you don’t realize it. Wait for the smoke to clear, then reflect and see where you’ve been. I guarantee that all of those terribly painful moments taught you something and changed you in some way. And that’s not a bad thing.

 

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Transformations

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s