Contemplating

I’m feeling terribly contemplative this morning. I had started to type “complicated” and that fits, too, but that isn’t all that new. Neither word is a new description for me actually.

I felt another shift in my life this weekend after a horrid week full of gut-wrenching emotions over various things. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of being overwhelmed. I’m tired of carrying a heavy weight. I’m tired of crying over things I cannot control. As I type all of that, I do realize that I have it pretty great. I’m just burnt out.

I went out with a friend this weekend. A guy I had dated at the beginning of this year who has since become a good friend. As we sat at dinner laughing over everything and talking about everything, I realized how incredibly lucky I am. While he and I are not a romantic match (and we both know that), I am so fortunate to have met him. He has the most amazing heart. He’s considerate, caring, warm and just fun to be around. It’s a very comfortable place he and I share.

Time with him was exactly what I needed.

My stress level has been ridiculously high with all of the changes life has brought my way in the last 12+ months. To add on to the strain, I head to Chicago in 2 weeks for my 13-year old daughter to have surgery on her brain for a degenerative condition which I also have. I really haven’t been myself for a couple of months and I don’t see me being me again for a while.

The thing I’m missing most in my life is laughter shared with friends. I’m a pretty social person – despite my insecurities and lack of self-esteem – and not having any friends to hang out with on a regular basis has hindered by emotional coping mechanisms. We all need happiness to balance the difficult times.

As I came into the office this morning, I felt the weight of my recent miserable perspective come down on me again. I have several new habits and outlooks to change to get me back on track.

My happy thought for today to keep the smile in my heart is the t-shirt my friend wore to dinner. From a local brewery, the graphic on the front was the state of Ohio with the word, “BEER” written across it. I’m not sure why I find that so amusing, but it personifies him and just makes me chuckle. I wish I could find a picture of it to share, but it is forever imprinted in my mind’s eye. Every time I think of the shirt, I hear Homer Simpson saying, “mmmm beer” and that makes me smile even more.

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2 thoughts on “Contemplating

  1. Such a heavy load to carry. I will pray for the well being of your Daughter and always think of you warmly when I see the word “Beer”. Sometimes it truly is the littlest things that can help our world. I hoe your weekend brings you peace.

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