Epiphanies

I had an interesting conversation a couple of weeks ago and it resulted in me having an epiphany about myself. Completely unexpected, but I guess that’s what epiphanies are – a sudden realization. Yet it’s taken me this long to grasp it.

I believe we all experience times of great growth. Perhaps because of a horrid situation we’ve endured. Perhaps because of the kindness of strangers. Perhaps when we sit back to listen, observe and soak up the lessons around us.

I’ve written of appreciating the vast world around us, finding signs and being lost. Even of receiving what we didn’t know we needed.

I think the most important thing in any situation is to understand that there is a reason behind what is happening.

I’ve been doubting myself (as is typical for me) and struggling to understand if I am on the right path. Another relationship ended for me. Despite my friends’ encouragement and advice to stay single and be me, I dove into another relationship. Feet first, but heart and head following soon after. I didn’t listen to my gut. It wasn’t right. Despite the fact that the relationship was amazing, exciting and filled with new adventures, it didn’t feel right. I thought it was just me being cautious and being afraid. But, apparently with the dramatic end it came to, I guess my gut was right. (Some of you may say, “DUH!” to that one.)

I am not a person who lets go easily – regardless of the situation. I’m fiercely loyal and will fight for what I want. Sometimes I hold on because I just want to be right. I wanted this person to remain in my life. I wanted the adventure. I wanted the affection. I wanted to have someone by my side. But we can’t always have what we want. As many have said – the universe gives us what we need; not necessarily what we want. And, unfortunately, he didn’t feel the same about me.

I felt myself spinning out of control back into the darkness that sometimes hits me. I fought it. Exercise. Vitamins. Staying active with my kids. Writing. But, it was there. Just waiting for me.

I think I’m ready for a relationship a year after ending an 18-year relationship. I truly want one. And maybe that’s my problem.

I’ve been asked out repeatedly by a long-time friend since my breakup. He’s asked me out before, but I. Just. Don’t. Know. I’m raw. Afraid. Scared. And yet, there he is. Patient. Or “patiently waiting” as he said. And still I cross my arms in front of me afraid to let him get close. Again I’ll ask myself – is it my gut or my fear? I don’t know.

What I do know is that I finally gained some sort of closure with the guy who had broken up with me. As we were texting a few final digs at one another, I began to realize that I’m not desperate to have a relationship – any relationship. I want someone with whom I click. With whom there is a great connection. Those connections sometimes take time, but the best ones are instantaneous.

When he broke up with me, he did what I did when I ended my marriage. Out of the blue, he ripped the Band-Aid off and it was over. Probably the nicest way to do things rather than dragging them out and causing more pain than necessary.

I looked up to him. I admired him in many ways, I feared him a bit and I learned from him.

But, during our final conversations, I had the epiphany that I am much farther in my journey than he is. I have the patience he lacks (which is a shocker since I have little patience). I understand more about how the universe works and will provide if we don’t fight it (although this lesson will take me a while longer). While he’s on his way down the path to increased enlightenment, I realized he has some experience to gain before he is where I am. And that’s okay. I’m good with me and where I’m heading, too.

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