As I seek to find myself again, I realize that I am alone in a world of other people trying to find their place, too.
My first Easter as a single woman again after 18 years of being half of a couple.
It’s odd. Not horrible. Just odd.
Two of my kids are with their father. One is coming home from vacation with her friend’s family later this evening. Later this afternoon we’ll celebrate Easter with my family.
Every holiday I check off as a “first alone” since my split, as it will be all this first year. I don’t know if it’s cathartic or really why I do it, but it seems to mark the passage of time.
I’m seeing that the men I’ve met reach out before I do, typically, to wish a happy whatever holiday it is. It’s as if we all need to know we aren’t alone. Not really anyway. These are men I haven’t even met. (Cyber dating is this entirely new, odd thing I don’t know how I feel about yet.) Even knowing someone is there via text is nice.
I am happy in my home, with my child, the mini-zoo we have surrounded ourselves with. Beyond that, I don’t know where I fit in right now. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere.
It’s really not a new feeling for me, as I’ve never felt that I fit in.
I never fit in with my former in-laws. I had the wonderful opportunity to telecommute while working at a long-term job, so I didn’t fit in with those who were in the office every day. I didn’t fit in with the next job I had, so it didn’t last. Next job was a contract job, so it was temporary and not a fit. I’m contracting again, but hoping this one will last. I sit don’t feel like I fit because I’m not a permanent employee.
All of this lack of permanence really is tough on a person.
I’m ready to find where I belong.
But I also know that it’s a process.
I admire the people who find their “place” in life and live their joy and contentment. They move forward and seem to find success and happiness so easily. Despite setbacks, they appear to move ahead four steps for every one misstep. It’s fascinating. And sometimes disheartening. Some of these are the people (perhaps I wear very thick rose-colored glasses when viewing them) whom misfortune never seems to touch. Not that I would wish ill on anyone, but I am in awe…. and envious.
Not that I want to dwell or wallow in my tough times, but I just don’t understand how the world works. Maybe life is simply to be more difficult for some of us to make us work harder so we can achieve greater. Maybe some people simply can’t handle what others can. But, doesn’t it seem unfair?
I’d love to find my place where I belong. Where I fit. Where I finally achieve success and find happiness.
Not only random text messages on a holiday with no guarantees of anything more.
I’m ready for the next step forward.