It’s my birthday today.
My first birthday as a divorced woman. As a divorced mom. I’m in the middle of rebuilding me and I spent it alone. Well, with my children who are the air that I breathe.
After nearly two decades of burying my emotions buried and letting my emotional well being take a back seat (more like the way back in the station wagon under the bags of groceries), I’m really trying to put me at the top of my list. Yes, my kids do come first, but I’m learning that I need to take care of me so that I am able to take care of them.
I approached this birthday hesitantly. I didn’t want to spend any time alone. But I know I need to learn how to do this. I’m okay with being me and being alone with me. But birthdays are different. Birthdays are meant to be celebrated. It’s a person’s one day of the year.
The man I had dated for a few months has been dealing with his own personal “things” and we hadn’t seen each other in well over a month. Since I’m accustomed to planning my own celebration, I had asked him to meet me for dinner yesterday. I had taken our “breakup” hard. Despite knowing that he had things to take care of, I felt like it was all about me. Years of rejection had “trained” me to internalize everything. Our dinner last night was wonderful. We talked. We laughed. We smiled. We both needed that. I needed to understand from him that he wasn’t rejecting me. He has things he needs to do for himself. I learned so much about him and about myself.
The dinner was exactly what I needed.
I awoke this morning to emails from friends. Messages on social media. Phone calls. Text messages. They continued throughout the day. Amazing, continual reminders that I have an amazing support system, so much love and an incredible group of people that, while I call them my friends, I neglect to let them in to my life as much as I should.
I have built up walls to keep the possibility of hurt out. But, in doing so, I also keep so much joy from coming in.
For lunch, I had my fifth annual birthday lunch with someone who has become a very dear friend of mine. This person has truly been a source of strength for me in so many ways. The more time goes on, the more thankful I am, that I have let the walls down. I need to remember what a blessing friends can be.
After work, I came home to a house in the process of being cleaned and wonderful children with whom I shared a peaceful dinner. We are all healing from the divorce. I see it in us more every day. Today was a clear picture of how far we’ve come in a short time.
The text messages and notes via social media this evening continued to show me how much support and love there is out there for the taking.
Sometimes we have to put aside our own preconceptions, issues and fears and just accept what the universe wants us to have. We may not always know what is best for us, even though we are sure we do. The walls need to come down, brick by brick, in order to let the sun shine in fully. We will repeat our lessons until we learn them. So, if we relax a bit and accept what is being provided, the lessons are usually easier to manage.
The universe will always give you what you need. Sometimes it may not be what you want, but it will always be what you need at the moment. This time I learned that I have an abundance of love, if I will accept it, and I am worthy of love… believing that may be the most difficult part. But, I will learn that lesson. I just need to remember the amazing 24 hours I just had and all the love that I have been shown. All lessons take time to fully take hold.