Why do I always feel guilty?

I work full-time. I care for my children and our 11 pets (which all live inside the house). I just ended an 18 year relationship (yes, divorce). I haven’t had a real vacation in several years (I’d guess the last relaxing vacation – more than just a long weekend – was at least 5 years ago). I deserve to spoil myself from time to time. And I don’t just mean a new shirt that I’ll wear at work and nowhere else.

Yet, I always feel guilty even thinking about spoiling myself.

Two days ago I went out and bought myself a laptop. Gasp! I mean, really? However would I, an aspiring writer, who also does some marketing for a national non-profit and uses her phone as a computer actually use a “real” computer?

I received a great tax return and splurged on myself. Yea! Good for me! Yet the guilt is killing me. (I’m really trying hard to ignore the dirty looks I’m giving myself in my head.)

Is it my few years of Catholic upbringing and the residual guilt from all of the Catholics with whom I grew up? Is it the mommy-provides-for-her-kids-first thing? Is it the lack of self-worth that sometimes has me wishing I could sit in the corner rocking myself until all the bad people in the world went away?

I’m really not sure. But, I will tell you, I’m realizing that it’s silly. I’m too old, life goes too fast and I deserve to be good to myself.

I will admit that I have a grin on my face as I sit here learning how to use this computer with it’s new-fangled operating system (which my daughter is envious of – Yea me!).

I need to be done feeling guilty over the things that make me happy. From here on out, I need to refocus on making me happy – even if it’s little things like paying off a bill or a new shirt for work. However, I’m going to aim higher and I have started with this new laptop for my new life as a new me.

2 thoughts on “Why do I always feel guilty?

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  1. As I was reading this, I was asking you in my head if you were really Catholic, and then I read your pondering that very question, lol!

    A few years back, and I can’t even tell you why I was having this thought, but it dawned on me fiercely: it is absolutely essential to but YOU first. You know when you get on an airplane, and the flight attendants go through the emergency procedure instructions? When they get to the part about the oxygen masks dropping down, what do they tell you? They tell you to put yours on first, THEN to assist your children, elderly, etc. Cause if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t possibly take care of those who need you?

  2. Wise words, my dear. Wise words.

    And, I don’t think Catholic guilt ever goes away…. Half my family is Catholic – funny but that’s the same half that is genetically part Jewish. Talk about guilt!

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