I have to admit that I have strayed far from the core person I was/am. I allowed myself to become bitter and hardened by my circumstances. For the most part, I have learned to direct my frustration, my anger. Most often it has been turned inward.
With the failure of my marriage, I have done a lot of soul searching. This search has been going on for a quite a while within me. Who am I? Who have I become? Who do I want to be?
I have shut myself off emotionally in many ways. Out of self-preservation. I’ve become hard and I don’t like it. But sometimes feeling hurts just too much. Being a raw, emotional person is difficult. Emotion leads to heartache – that is what I have learned. But being emotionless leads to emptiness. Where is that balance? That is what I am striving to relearn.
I have had someone enter my life at this crazy time in my life and I know exactly why he is here. He is here to show me another side of love. I don’t mean romantic love for me, as we are not “in love.” But it has been an amazing experience to see a man so dedicated to his family during the terminal illness of a parent. No complaining. No anger. Just doing his duty as a son. Being there for his parents. Doing what needs to be done. Unconditional, unfailing love. I’m sure I don’t know the entire spectrum of his emotions as I’m not inside his head, nor are we having long conversations daily. But it’s an amazing thing to see. I am so fortunate to see this kind of love.
I lived for a long time with someone who never knew that kind of love and dedication. It’s something impossible to teach. I tried. I knew that kind of love from my family when I was a child, but I’ve forgotten it. I have unconditional love for my children, but I can do better in so many ways.
I am thankful to have seen someone personify what real love is – selfless. I hope that I can remember this lesson . I pray that when I am ready, I will be worthy of being on the receiving end of such amazingly beautiful, pure love.